There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
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We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!