Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
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When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.