The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
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That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye