Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
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i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Sunday
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
One venti cheeseburger please.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog