if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
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Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor