Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
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Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.