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Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.