Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
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If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.