did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
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Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
i think we should see other cousins
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
me working on my assignments ^-^
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.