If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
You Might Also Like
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.