[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
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It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.