I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
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*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
It’s an epidemic…
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.