[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
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Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse