[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
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My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
“A little help here, Danny?”
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
when you are just born a rebel
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.