If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
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Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Warm pools make me nervous.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae