As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
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Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
absolute chaos
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am