“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
You Might Also Like
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Whoa 😂