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My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Saturday
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Xylophonist Shredding It
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.