I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
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[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Not recommended for beginners.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu