Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
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Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Whisper out to librarians!
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?