I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
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By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
What’s a Messi?
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates