[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
You Might Also Like
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.