If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
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Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.