This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
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If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Hard not to take this personally
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
and this one
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.