I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
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reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!