My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
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a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED