Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
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Me when I wear 4 inch heels
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.