The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
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The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair