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[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese