Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
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In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
screw you
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?