Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
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*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*