store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
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My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.