My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
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Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Sign of the day..
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.