when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
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WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Whoa 😂
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.