Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
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July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.