met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
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Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Match dot com, but for socks.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do