10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
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The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Lassie, get help!
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Worth remembering.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them