I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
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Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.