Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
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If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
at ease…shoulder.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
worst…sale…ever
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986