How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
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Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Who.
Did.
This?
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia