Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
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7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle