It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
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For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Just say no
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”