My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
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Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic