Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
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Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.