I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
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Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Lucky for them, they’re cute
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂