[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
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bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Well, this is awkward
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Thursday
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.