*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
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My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.