Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
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sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Lmfao
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Sell your car
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?