Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
You Might Also Like
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.