One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
You Might Also Like
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.